2-11-14 (14)

   For my last meditation, I wanted to repeat a session that brought me the most interest. I was most intrigued by my experimentation with walking meditation. I have never paid close attention to way the muscles starched and pulled. Walking meditation taught me that I need to "trust what I know". Trust myself in the sense knowing where everything was using my memory and gut. 

    In terms of my previous walking experience, I placed several candles around the room, and  soothing music. Instead of placing a bandana over my eyes, I trusted myself. I walked one foot infront of the other. Noticing yet again the way my foot rolled of the surface, feeling the pressure points through out the motion of every movement. I felt the cold floor press against my bared feet and the listened to the position of the music playing. In my mind I was imagined the entire room. The longer I walked, the more I became confident and comfortable with my surroundings. 

     Walking in the dark taught me one of the most grateful lessons that anyone could experience. Walking meditation symbolizes the way we recognize life. As we go through new challenges in life we are blind to the right and wrong paths until we gain confidendce and trust ourselves. 

First Meditation (1)

          My first experience with meditation brought me powerful emotions. I have been seeing a life cycle counselor for the past month or so. The last appointment that I attended, she did a visualization meditation method to me.
           I closed my eyes, relaxed every muscle in my body and listened to her voice. She told me to picture myself in a place where I can escape to. An image appeared in my mind that I was wearing a white dress, laying in a meadow with flowers and trees surrounding me. I was laying in the middle of the field with my arms expanded, grasping onto the surrounding flowers.
           Looking up I noticed that my peaceful escape was appearing to be in a  vortex dome. I saw  my parents in the sky, arguing yet again. I closed my eyes to wipe their voices out of my head and focused on the birds chirping a song in the background.
            My counselor then asked to picture one person to visit me. I turned my head into the distance and saw a figure appear over the hill in the distance. As the figure reached a distance where I can point out their identity. There, standing in front of me was Sharon, my old neighbor who passed away 8 years ago from lung cancer. She wasn't only considered my neighbor she was my best friend, and my hero. She approached me slowly and I couldn't believe my eyes. She used to be very fond of gardening. Every memory I had with her we were surrounded by flowers. There standing before me, Sharon pulled a rose out of her pocket, extended the rose in my direction and placed it my hand and said "trust what you know." As soon as I tried to understand her statement her figure disappeared.
           I woke up from my vision and tears ran down my face. That day I felt confusion and had curiosity of finding the meaning behind her insight. All I intended on doing that day was going back to my vision because it felt like my only escape.

2-10-14 (13)

    Just like any other day, I'm exhausted and as busy as could be. Just before my soccer game I sat down and relaxed all my muscles. Every time I play soccer now, my emotions create a nervous knot in my stomach. Last year in the beginning of the season I sprained my MCL and LCL. My starting position was taken away from me and I was set back from everyone else. Till this day I am still recovering. Ever time I think about playing soccer, I get nervous because I want to prove everyone wrong and bounce back to where I was. 

      I want to be the best I can be so it's hard when something is holding me back from achieving my goals. Last year Jessica and I had goals for ourselves. We both were going to score 10 goals by the end of the season and become team captains for this year. She achieved both goals and I have achieved nothing. It was hard returning because of my knees holding me back. I was behind everyone else and nobody understood the heart I was putting into catching up. I was forgotten by my coach and my team. I felt as if I was simply the water girl, sitting on the side lines as the team carried on with drills. I could've been so much more than that. 

    Before the game I relaxed and told my self that this year is my year. Nobody will forget me and nobody will question my abilities. I know I'm good enough I just have to prove it. In order to not get worked up, I paused and told myself that it's just a game and I have to take it day by day. Just sitting there I soonly thought of nothing. Opening my eyes, I imagined myself to have the eyes of the tiger, intimidating yet content. I felt automatic strength. I'm ready for not only this game but also this year. Like I said before this year is my year. 

2-8-14 (12)

     Today was another big and stressful day. Today I took the ACT for the second time. The first time I did poorly on. I grew up with test anxiety and it has lowered all of my self confidence in how intelligent I really am. I don't remember the last time when I recieved a decent grade on any important test. Instead of franking out and making myself anxious I woke up an hour earlier, ate a good breakfast then listened to music portraying the beauty of nature. Before I had to leave I sat down on my couch and released all inner thoughts. I listened to the waves of the ocean in my current song and thought of how proud I was of myself and how far I have came. I knew that there wasn't anything else I could do before this test so I put my faith in the hands of god and I believed in myself. 

2-6-14 (11)

     Today's goal was all about trying new things. Every little aspect of my daily routine was completed in a different process than what I would normally do. After an unusual day I wanted to do something different than sitting down and meditating. I went downstairs where it was pitch black and,had a wide open space. I lit four candles and turned on relaxing music portraying a nature feel. I wrapped a bandana around my face, covering my eyes, that way I can have a full experience. I started to slowly move forward step by step. Noticing certain muscles stretch in order to move. I concentrated on the way my feet rolled off the floor on every step. I began to get anxious if I was going to run into a pole or the wall, however, I trusted myself and turned around moving in the opposite direction towards the music. I took a deep breath and pictured where everything was in the current room. I began to feel a sense of confidence. I listened to the rhythm of the song and my mood reflected into the pattern of every step. My speed started to increase with confidence. 

       The walking meditation has taught me new aspects of life that I have never encountered intitially. Through new challenges you are walking into them blind, not knowing what is the right thing to do. Every step that I took compares to taking conflicts day by day. I tend to focus on the future and dwell on the past instead of the present. Walking meditation gave me confidence, it taught me that I can get through anything if I say that it's possible. 

2-4-14 (10)

    I had another counseling appointment today. I appeared to the meeting sololy by myself. I wanted to simply talk about how the previous meeting effected my emotions and cognitive thoughts. Within our conversation I felt as if I had an emphany. Through everything that has been occurring I have never noticed how I am the one actually causing my pain. My negative thoughts killed my inner strength. I always thought of the worst possibilities to everything that way I wouldn't have a shocking reaction to a lie. I noticed that for the past 5 months I have drove myself absolutely insane.  Yes, my family has caused the reason for my depression. However, I dwelled on the fact that things will never be the same. 

2-3-14 (9)

      I am exhausted today. Last night I had a 10:15pm soccer game and didn't get home until 12:00am. I finally closed my eyes at around 1:00am. However, my crazy life didn't end there. After school I had strength training with my soccer team (DMC). Meanwhile after that I had physical therapy. Once I reached my house after a everlasting 24 hours I sat down on my couch and meditated. I thought about my family. I simply recognized all the drama that we have been through for the past year.  I have asked myself numerous times If we were still are considered a family? I came to the conclusion that even though our family might have been separated emotionally, we are going through the same coflicts together. 

2-2-14 (8)

     SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! (that was a terrible game) Understanding the busy day a head of me I woke up earlier than normal and I sat infront of the projecting shadows of the window. I placed candles in stragic places surrounding me and turned on slow, correlating music to my life. After dancing to one song, I found my focus. Instead of thinking of my vision, I had a different mind set. I was sitting on my couch with a white dress on, watching my family walk into the house arguing. However, they could not view my presence, it was almost as if I crossed over. Honestly, I was scared of what I portrayed in my vision, I automatically woke up and blew out the candles to erase my thoughts, I decided to eat food. 

2-1-14 (7)

    Saturday ended up to be a very stressful day. Driving around 8 o'clock the transmission of my car decided to blow up. After calling for a tow truck and arranging a ride to get home, it was till 3 hours later till we finally reached home. I wanted to relax from the past dramatic hours, so what better way than to meditate! For it being as late as it was, I sat in my bed and took a deep memorizing breath and I felt an automatic stress uplift. I knew that everything would be okay and that I'm blessed to be able to control the whole situation rather than to be dead. Instead of thinking of nothing, I thought of everything positive, which is abnormal for my personality. I tend to gravitate towards negative cognitive opinions. I only lasted for a few minutes because I was exhausted. However, it was a great way to end my day.

1-31-14 (6)

        Today I was home alone and had the opportunity to feel at ease. Even though my family wasn't physically there in my house, I still felt the thick tension that was built between the walls. I took that moment to an advantage and sat down in a dark room and simply explored my mind. Sitting there, many emotions came through my mind. I thought about everything from my grades to my family to my messy room. I couldn't control one particular thought. Moments later I started to think about my vision. I saw myself surrounded by flowers and I heard the birds chirp, all distracting thoughts evaporated. It's  funny to me because I was stuck in depression with negative thoughts running through my mind constantly. How could it be as easy as closing your eyes and breathing? 

1-30-14 (5)

       After an emotional week I wanted to release my anxiety. In an early conversation I had with Mr. Russell, he mentioned different meditation experiences that can contain the same amount of relaxation. I wanted to try eating meditation. Conveniently my mother brought home some of my favorite food. She got me mayonnaise shrimp which had pineapples mixed with the creamy sauce. As sides there was chinese potatoes pancakes, rice and wonton rolls. I went downstairs where I couldn't be disturbed by my family. The first bite I had was of the shrimp and a pineapple in the creamy sauce. The crunch of the baked coating of the shrimp blended with the tropical flavors of the pineapple and the creamy sauce was memorizing. However I didn't only focus on my taste buds. I zoomed in on the motion of everything bite and the movement of my jaw. The way the texture influenced every jaw motion creating varying sounds. My chaotic life disappeared. However, I had an allergic reaction to the shrimp and my eye swelled up. :( 

1-29-14 (4)

       Since last night I have not spoken to anyone in my family. If they tried to, I mentally shut them out. To relieve stress I traveled to the gym to let off some steam. A few hours after I came home to an empty house. I sat down on my living room couch and closed my eyes. I began to feel a rush of air, I extended my senses to and focus on the birds chirping to my left, the iguana rattling through his narrow cage, shortly my thoughts began to echo through out the walls of my house.  There was nobody to tell me they're sorry, nobody there to tell me how I was feeling. I was scared that my emotions would come back and concern my peacefulness with my vision. There was no concern of anything. It was simply me having a conversation with my soul. 

1-28-14 (3)

     Have you ever felt as if nothing was in your control? Today I released all control aspects and allowed my emotions to take the place of my prior intentions.  I attended another counseling appointment however, my father accompanied me for the first time. 

     Today was the first day where I sat down with my father and we discussed our feelings. There wasn't day to day discussion, simply exploring an understanding of our feelings. To be honest it was the hardest task that I have ever completed. Looking someone in eyes and expressing the pain that they have caused in your life. It was a tragic fear that I never wanted to come face to face with. I didn't want to cause more damage than there already was. I never thought I had the courage to tell my dad everything that I have been feeling. I overcame that fear today. 

       If you closed your eyes does it feel as if nothing changed at all? Everytime I try to meditate and ease the stress of my life away, nothing changes. I still see my life before me breaking away. After discussing everything at our counseling appointment, I didn't know how to release all of my wondering thoughts and emotions. I grabbed several candles placed them on the counter, played music that perceived a correlation to my ongoing emotions, lit the candles one by one, turned off the eye throbbing lights and started the shower. 

       I stood there feeling the water drip down my face. I then let out everything, crying was my only escape. After I regathered myself, I stood there with my eyes closed, concentrating on the warm water splashing against my flesh and the lyrics to the current song, I soon thought of nothing. I felt a sense of safety. I imagined myself in a place where no body can find me, a place where pain was eliminated. 10 minutes later I felt at peace with my mind. Meditation helped me to ease my emotions and control wondering distractions. 

1-23-14 (2)

     After the vision that I perceived previously at my counceling appointment I was scared to meditate again. Mostly because I knew that I was un happy, and I didn't want to escape to that vision again. I knew that I would want to go back. After closing my eyes my vision came into my mind instantly. Picturing myself wearing a white dress, laying against the comforting flowers, looking up into the sky and seeing my parents arguing. 

     Half way through the meditation I opened my eyes and let the tears run down my face. I realized that my life mistakes have defined who I am today. The only thing to train my brain otherwise was let everything go.